Messes Nurture Opportunity

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L....

MNO

You know when you sing the "ABC's" how the middle part all runs together? Really, it's more like
"LMNOP..." but since I am behind on Letter M and N and today is O; I better get a move on.

Messes Nurture Opportunity. 

I was reminded of today of memories of when my five children were all little, ranging from newborn to 11 years old. The feeling of exhaustion that never quite left and the days that ran together just like LMNOP. Between the piano lessons, ballet classes, going back to school for my BSN, working full-time at the hospital, helping out on the farm by doing the paperwork, trying to keep the house clean and the family clothed and fed....well, you get the idea.

Life with a Little Gang can get Overwhelmingly overwhelming. 
When sleep becomes broken up, or nonexistent, life becomes Messy. Literally messy because the house that in the age of B.C (before children) that was more-or-less clean, has become a train wreck of farm animals, rubber bands, blocks, markers, crayons, paper scraps, dress-up clothes, doll babies, barbies, marbles, Lego's, Lincoln Logs, Matchbox cars, burp cloths, diapers, wipies, binkies, onesies, swaddlers, breast pump supplies and at least three weeks worth of laundry in various stages of clean.

Sometimes when I was in the midst of all of this, I really did not like my self very much. I felt like a failure as a mom, as a wife, and as a Christian so much of the time. My kids did not sleep through the night on the schedule's outlined by all the best baby doctors. They did not eat organic anything unless dirt counted. They did not always get along and I was sure that no one else could fight like my kids. There were times I felt quite bonded with them but then I realized it was just something sticky that I  hadn't washed off. They had a radar for any clean spot in the house and would seek and destroy in 0.6 seconds. Quiet time? Hahahahahahahahaha. What was that?

I found some journal entries (one of many) from during one of these messy times. (I was pregnant with Heather.)

 "I feel horrible. Like I'm in a whirlwind and can't get out. I feel so overwhelmed with the idea of another little one. Amy is so demanding these days...I just don't know what I'll do with her sometimes. The other times I love her like crazy and I can't imagine ever being angry at her. I feel warped....I feel like such a sinner, so unworthy of God and His blessings. Sometimes I feel like I can't pray. I guess it's then that I really need to pray the most....Lord, as you can see I'm a major project..." 

"...I pushed them away with my words and actions. I was angry at Aaron cause he kept whining about stuff and he keeps climbing in the walls and furniture. I worked housecleaning the living room, including wiping fingerprints and footprints off the walls. Then he climbs on them. AAAAARGHHHH!!!!!!!...." 

As I read through more of this journal and the months after she was born, I almost don't even want to remember. I was at such a low point and so discouraged. But in that swirling whirlwind, there was something else. Boundless, endless grace.

"The kids just came up and "loved" on me and we cuddled on the bed "just cause he loves me" says Aaron. They forgive me and love me even though I'm such a dumbhead. How? A child is more like Jesus than I could hope to be." 

Yes. Boundless, endless grace when I least deserved it.

God stepped in. He Nurtured me. He gave me Opportunity.
("An amount of time or a situation in which something can be done.")

Somehow, God saw fit to make me a mother. He believed in me. To all the young mothers out there who feel like they are the worst mom ever, He believes in you too. Let me just say this.

You. Are. Not. Alone.

I have had so many moments I would like to take back and redo. I have lost it over a three year old dumping not one, but two, new bottles of shampoo down the drain. I have cried right along with my little one as I wondered if she would ever sleep through the night. I have taken the kids to school with one (or more) in tears because of how horribly the morning had gone. I have had many nights of staying up with one, two, or three sick children as we all camped out in the living room with buckets, towels, Tylenol and thermometers.

But God gave me this Opportunity. In those moments, I prayed. And sometimes I just cried because I had no words and He was there.

He still is. And He is still giving this Mama the opportunity to serve her family, to learn about grace in both how to give and to receive. Over the years, I have realized that this is a lesson I need to be reminded of daily. Some days, hourly. Or by the minute, especially on the days where it all runs together like "LMNOP".

Love,
Dianne