Reflecting Life

I have spent a lifetime looking at my image, sometimes in a mirror, maybe seeing my likeness in a photo or perhaps reflected in someone’s eyes. Often though, how I saw myself was more like looking at my reflection in the side of a car or in a fun house mirror: distorted and warped. Over time, in my mind, that distortion became my reality, that this odd shaped body didn’t fit the mold of “perfection” that I’d been somehow led to believe was the ideal. Slim legs, thigh gap, the just-right hip size and narrow waist with a rounded bottom, a body smooth without the lumps and bumps of cellulite, perky breasts and no back fat (aka back boobs). 36-26-36 were body measurements that I thought I needed to achieve and I did countless bodyweight exercises, and sometimes extreme diets or exercise regimens to try to achieve this goal, never content with who I was. 

Even before social media was a thing (I was a teenager in the 1980’s), there were advertisements and tv shows that still made their impact alongside the peer pressure of middle and high school of what one should look like. With the advent of social media, this idea of what a woman should look like, what she should weigh, what she should do to be acceptable, to be thought of as beautiful, to be accepted as worthy has snowballed into an avalanche of discontent with who we are. Alongside that, throw in a decade of having 5 babies, going to school, then working another decade of night shifts and suddenly I was 40-something years old and my body no longer fit any idea of what I had thought was beautiful. Somewhere in all this I started running and I dropped 20 lbs to the lowest I’d been in years. Maybe I had this weight thing figured out. 

But wait for it. 

Perimenopause. Oh, it’s real. Apparently it is “Game On!” and I feel like I’m on the losing side. Or should I say the gaining side as my weight over the past three years has crept up to the highest it has ever been (outside of pregnancy)? 

But wait, there’s more to this story than a number on the scales, a BMI percentile, or an InBody machine scan that tells me I am fat but does not know me. 

Let me tell you who I am, who I am becoming. In January 2023 I chanced a coaching call with Sam Owen at Pursue Performance after an Instagram follow and I thought maybe, just maybe, this program would help me lose the next 10 lbs and get toned (honestly, what does that even mean?!?). I signed on for 90 days, but this guy wasn’t promising me a “6 week shred”, or a “12 week transformation”, he just promised to support me in getting stronger. He would help lay a foundation. I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain…3 months, why not? 

In those 3 months, I quickly learned that I had to eat more to be strong and to nourish my body. Oooh, that was hard for me. I went from 800-1000 kcal/day to 1800-2000 kcal/day and I yes, I gained about 8 lbs right away but I also felt better and had more energy. I was enjoying training so I kept at it.  Thirty-one months later and I have gained far more than pounds on my body. Let me explain.  

In recent years, I’ve seen a trend where people are encouraged to celebrate any and all body types, and it almost became a thing where health was put on the back burner for the sake of saying that we love ourselves no matter the size or shape we are in . That’s not OK any more than making someone feel like a certain weight or body fat percentage is “perfect”. Being healthy is more than a number on the scales and that is true no matter the number, high or low. I wanted to celebrate my body, but I was struggling with that warped image of how I saw myself and still felt like I was beastly rather than beautiful. I needed to switch my focus from my physical appearance to doing what I could to be healthy in this body I’d been given. 

I began to eat nutrient-dense food 80-90% of the time (and yes, I measure and weigh it within healthy boundaries because I enjoy it, not because I have to), I am active with both strength training and cardio, I get 8 hours of sleep and I have learned how to manage my stress relatively well most days (trust me, I have my moments too!). In spite of doing all the right things, I am 175 lbs and the BMI calculator tells me I am overweight. Here is what it doesn’t see:  I am the strongest I’ve ever been.  I lead an active lifestyle doing things I never thought I could do, and I am (most days) loving this life journey I am on. Let me tell you, the fitness industry is doing no favors if they make you feel like a failure even when you’re doing all the right things. 

That brings me to this point: before and after photos. What purpose do they serve? Do they make me feel like I was less than in the “before” photo? I’m gonna venture out on a limb here and say that yes, there’s something about them that make you feel like you were less than worthy. I’ve taken the photos, and I’ve done the comparisons to see if I look better or worse. This year, at Presque Isle, I took pictures knowing I weighed more than I did the previous year. I still wanted to take the pictures because while my weight has fluctuated, I was hoping what would be reflected back at me would be the strength, confidence, and self-worth I have gained. This is the real me, no filters, no more warped mental images, just me being me. Created by God, designed in love, perfected as I strive to be more like my Creator. 

Cellulite. 

I am cells. 

I am light. 

Shine. 

That is beauty. 

Weight gain. 

Gaining confidence. 

Growing in strength. 

Growth is not only numbers. 

Beast.

Fierce. 

Fighting my demons. 

From beast to beast mode to beauty. 

Hidden. 

Step out. 

Look up. 

Live bold. 

Confidence.

Contentment.

Not stagnant. 

Accepting. 

Yet a work in progress. 

Onward. 

Love Dianne

From 2024 (L) to 2025 (R). Head held a little higher, shoulders back, no longer in hiding. 

Becoming a 10

For as long as I can remember, I have cared about health and taking care of myself. Over the years, this has looked differently depending on my age and what phase of life I was in as well as the people who played an influential role in my life. Maybe it’s part of why I entered into healthcare as a career; I wanted to help others also be healthy. Here’s a bit of my story. 

As a teenager, “heath” was (sadly) primarily about my weight and if I could fit into anything less than a size 10 (I didn’t). I was not athletic, overly outgoing or no considered to be what was deemed “popular”; I wasn’t sure what my worth was as a young girl trying to figure life out. Social media didn’t exist then but  I still felt that pressure to be thin because somehow that meant beauty and worth. I can’t even imagine the pressure young girls are dealing with today with social media. I feel it as a 55 year old woman and it’s tough. 

From age 21-33, I gave birth to the most wonderful five children a mother could ever hope for. I struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety and spend those years just wanting to feel good again, to figure out what I must be doing wrong to feel the way I did when my life really was good. Health in those years meant being able to function on the day to day, going for walks, and trying to find mental peace. Biggest lesson learned? Don’t hide what you’re dealing with because you think no one will understand. I promise you that you are not alone. Talk to someone and get the help you deserve. You are worth it.  

From age 33 to 40 I discovered what life could be like as I met with a therapist, was on medication and found a support system. I blogged about my life and tried to find the positives. This was a new approach for this generally “glass half-empty” girl. I was learning to nourish my body better, I kept walking, maintained a reasonable weight and tried to find a work/life balance (I didn’t do this part of the equation well at all!).

Then my 40’s hit and I lost my footing and I felt like I was falling apart on every level. I allowed myself to fall back into some dark places until someone told me quite bluntly that this was not how I had to be just because I was a certain age. I began to come alive again as I took up running, got outdoors, and found a work-life balance again that had been anything but balanced for years. 

My first 5k (2017)

A recent 15k (2025)

Fast forward a few years and running was taking a toll on my feet and I turned to strength training to fill my need to be active, to be healthy. I fumbled and stumbled my way through some on-line programs until I found a coach that was a person and not an app. It’s been a little over 2 years and it’s become an important (some would say obsession) part of my life. I’ve learned much about physical and mental health from a barbell (I know, crazy, right? Who knew?). I’ve learned how to eat to truly nourish my body again. It’s been a journey of highs and lows but I keep at it.

 This brings me to last week when I hit a low. I decided to go for an InBody biometric scan as it had been nearly 1.5 years since my last scan. During this time, I have been strength training 4-5x/week, staying active with some cardio 1-3x/week, eating within reason, managing stress okay and getting good sleep. Honestly, I was hoping that I’d go get the scan and it would confirm what everyone says when the topic turns to weight gain or loss, and how we feel about our physical appearance: “Dianne, if you gain weight, it’s all muscle because you work out.” 

 I stood on the platform as the machine gathered the data, and 90 seconds later, I had my results. My body fat percentage had increased and my lean muscle mass had decreased. What?!? The person who owns the facility and does the scans is a body builder and in that moment, she was abrupt and unsympathetic in her assessment as she says, “You are eating too much and need to be below your resting metabolic rate.” She didn’t care that my goal isn’t about being a certain physique, but that I want only to be healthy, strong and able to live life fully. She didn’t understand that I am active, I eat mostly nutritious foods, get good sleep and manage my stress (most days!)…and somehow my body feels like it is betraying me. I was struggling to hold back my emotions and tears as she is talking about her recent competition in which she was at 9% body fat whilst here I was at 34.9%. I felt like I was a hideous failure. 

 I had walked into this facility today to do a test, get data to see where I’m at and if I need to make any changes in my approach to my health. I walked out the door feeling blindsided and at a loss of what to do next. I work hard to stay as healthy as I can without falling into some bad habits and disordered eating, but this all made me feel like “what’s the point?” I felt like a teenager again, surrounded by girls in the locker room who were all a size 0-8, and I was the size 12 and basing my entire worth on that. 

Then my coach, Sam Owen @welshstrengthcoach posted an excerpt from the book he’s working on. “Bodybuilding is not a sport — it's a problem. It's warped the public's expectations of what a human body "should" look like, and wrecked countless  relationships with food. The result? Eating disorders, obsessive dieting, and an industry obsessed with shredded abs over functional strength. These warped ideals have trickled into general fitness marketing - convincing the average 43-year-old mum (or this 55 year old Nana) that her body is a lifelong project of flaws to be fixed, instead of something that can be strong.”  

Okay Dianne, time to regroup and gain perspective. “As women enter into perimenopause and menopause, we experience musculoskeletal changes that can include bone loss, muscle loss, muscle weakness, frailty and fractures, and metabolic dysfunction.” Wright, V., Schwartzman, J.D. (2024, July 30) I know my body is going through some changes right now and honestly, it’s been really challenging. If InBody scan results have any accuracy, imagine what the numbers could have been had I not been proactive in strengthening my body and taking care of it like the treasure it is?

 I also know that, just like a simple weight measurement on the scales doesn’t define who I am, these measurements don’t tell the whole story either. It may say I lost skeletal muscle and gained fat over the past 18 months, but it doesn’t say that I also added to my 1RMs on all my lifts (18.1 kg to my squat, almost 6 kg to my bench press, and 9 kg to my DL) in that same time. It doesn’t show that I can do my 1RMs from 2023 December for multiple reps and sets now. It doesn’t tell you that I’ve backpacked around 400 miles and hiked many more. It doesn’t tell about the many races I’ve done from 5k to 65k. Coach Sam often says “The barbell doesn’t lie.”, and I’m going to own that and add to that: Who I am and who I am becoming is also not a lie. I may not be a size 10, but I’m living a life that gets 10s across the scoreboard. And 10 pushups? I can do those now too! 

 My health story isn’t over and I am choosing to set aside the defeat that I felt and pick up the victory badge and wear it with honor. I will keep at it, living this life, eating good food, enjoying the occasional treat that comes my way without guilt. I want to be healthy but I don’t want the numbers to write my story. I am writing this today as my way of having something to turn back too when I hit a roadblock or I find myself getting obsessive about food, my weight, or my appearance again because I am so much more than all of that. ONWARD.

Love, Dianne