Reflecting Life

I have spent a lifetime looking at my image, sometimes in a mirror, maybe seeing my likeness in a photo or perhaps reflected in someone’s eyes. Often though, how I saw myself was more like looking at my reflection in the side of a car or in a fun house mirror: distorted and warped. Over time, in my mind, that distortion became my reality, that this odd shaped body didn’t fit the mold of “perfection” that I’d been somehow led to believe was the ideal. Slim legs, thigh gap, the just-right hip size and narrow waist with a rounded bottom, a body smooth without the lumps and bumps of cellulite, perky breasts and no back fat (aka back boobs). 36-26-36 were body measurements that I thought I needed to achieve and I did countless bodyweight exercises, and sometimes extreme diets or exercise regimens to try to achieve this goal, never content with who I was. 

Even before social media was a thing (I was a teenager in the 1980’s), there were advertisements and tv shows that still made their impact alongside the peer pressure of middle and high school of what one should look like. With the advent of social media, this idea of what a woman should look like, what she should weigh, what she should do to be acceptable, to be thought of as beautiful, to be accepted as worthy has snowballed into an avalanche of discontent with who we are. Alongside that, throw in a decade of having 5 babies, going to school, then working another decade of night shifts and suddenly I was 40-something years old and my body no longer fit any idea of what I had thought was beautiful. Somewhere in all this I started running and I dropped 20 lbs to the lowest I’d been in years. Maybe I had this weight thing figured out. 

But wait for it. 

Perimenopause. Oh, it’s real. Apparently it is “Game On!” and I feel like I’m on the losing side. Or should I say the gaining side as my weight over the past three years has crept up to the highest it has ever been (outside of pregnancy)? 

But wait, there’s more to this story than a number on the scales, a BMI percentile, or an InBody machine scan that tells me I am fat but does not know me. 

Let me tell you who I am, who I am becoming. In January 2023 I chanced a coaching call with Sam Owen at Pursue Performance after an Instagram follow and I thought maybe, just maybe, this program would help me lose the next 10 lbs and get toned (honestly, what does that even mean?!?). I signed on for 90 days, but this guy wasn’t promising me a “6 week shred”, or a “12 week transformation”, he just promised to support me in getting stronger. He would help lay a foundation. I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain…3 months, why not? 

In those 3 months, I quickly learned that I had to eat more to be strong and to nourish my body. Oooh, that was hard for me. I went from 800-1000 kcal/day to 1800-2000 kcal/day and I yes, I gained about 8 lbs right away but I also felt better and had more energy. I was enjoying training so I kept at it.  Thirty-one months later and I have gained far more than pounds on my body. Let me explain.  

In recent years, I’ve seen a trend where people are encouraged to celebrate any and all body types, and it almost became a thing where health was put on the back burner for the sake of saying that we love ourselves no matter the size or shape we are in . That’s not OK any more than making someone feel like a certain weight or body fat percentage is “perfect”. Being healthy is more than a number on the scales and that is true no matter the number, high or low. I wanted to celebrate my body, but I was struggling with that warped image of how I saw myself and still felt like I was beastly rather than beautiful. I needed to switch my focus from my physical appearance to doing what I could to be healthy in this body I’d been given. 

I began to eat nutrient-dense food 80-90% of the time (and yes, I measure and weigh it within healthy boundaries because I enjoy it, not because I have to), I am active with both strength training and cardio, I get 8 hours of sleep and I have learned how to manage my stress relatively well most days (trust me, I have my moments too!). In spite of doing all the right things, I am 175 lbs and the BMI calculator tells me I am overweight. Here is what it doesn’t see:  I am the strongest I’ve ever been.  I lead an active lifestyle doing things I never thought I could do, and I am (most days) loving this life journey I am on. Let me tell you, the fitness industry is doing no favors if they make you feel like a failure even when you’re doing all the right things. 

That brings me to this point: before and after photos. What purpose do they serve? Do they make me feel like I was less than in the “before” photo? I’m gonna venture out on a limb here and say that yes, there’s something about them that make you feel like you were less than worthy. I’ve taken the photos, and I’ve done the comparisons to see if I look better or worse. This year, at Presque Isle, I took pictures knowing I weighed more than I did the previous year. I still wanted to take the pictures because while my weight has fluctuated, I was hoping what would be reflected back at me would be the strength, confidence, and self-worth I have gained. This is the real me, no filters, no more warped mental images, just me being me. Created by God, designed in love, perfected as I strive to be more like my Creator. 

Cellulite. 

I am cells. 

I am light. 

Shine. 

That is beauty. 

Weight gain. 

Gaining confidence. 

Growing in strength. 

Growth is not only numbers. 

Beast.

Fierce. 

Fighting my demons. 

From beast to beast mode to beauty. 

Hidden. 

Step out. 

Look up. 

Live bold. 

Confidence.

Contentment.

Not stagnant. 

Accepting. 

Yet a work in progress. 

Onward. 

Love Dianne

From 2024 (L) to 2025 (R). Head held a little higher, shoulders back, no longer in hiding. 

Becoming a 10

For as long as I can remember, I have cared about health and taking care of myself. Over the years, this has looked differently depending on my age and what phase of life I was in as well as the people who played an influential role in my life. Maybe it’s part of why I entered into healthcare as a career; I wanted to help others also be healthy. Here’s a bit of my story. 

As a teenager, “heath” was (sadly) primarily about my weight and if I could fit into anything less than a size 10 (I didn’t). I was not athletic, overly outgoing or no considered to be what was deemed “popular”; I wasn’t sure what my worth was as a young girl trying to figure life out. Social media didn’t exist then but  I still felt that pressure to be thin because somehow that meant beauty and worth. I can’t even imagine the pressure young girls are dealing with today with social media. I feel it as a 55 year old woman and it’s tough. 

From age 21-33, I gave birth to the most wonderful five children a mother could ever hope for. I struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety and spend those years just wanting to feel good again, to figure out what I must be doing wrong to feel the way I did when my life really was good. Health in those years meant being able to function on the day to day, going for walks, and trying to find mental peace. Biggest lesson learned? Don’t hide what you’re dealing with because you think no one will understand. I promise you that you are not alone. Talk to someone and get the help you deserve. You are worth it.  

From age 33 to 40 I discovered what life could be like as I met with a therapist, was on medication and found a support system. I blogged about my life and tried to find the positives. This was a new approach for this generally “glass half-empty” girl. I was learning to nourish my body better, I kept walking, maintained a reasonable weight and tried to find a work/life balance (I didn’t do this part of the equation well at all!).

Then my 40’s hit and I lost my footing and I felt like I was falling apart on every level. I allowed myself to fall back into some dark places until someone told me quite bluntly that this was not how I had to be just because I was a certain age. I began to come alive again as I took up running, got outdoors, and found a work-life balance again that had been anything but balanced for years. 

My first 5k (2017)

A recent 15k (2025)

Fast forward a few years and running was taking a toll on my feet and I turned to strength training to fill my need to be active, to be healthy. I fumbled and stumbled my way through some on-line programs until I found a coach that was a person and not an app. It’s been a little over 2 years and it’s become an important (some would say obsession) part of my life. I’ve learned much about physical and mental health from a barbell (I know, crazy, right? Who knew?). I’ve learned how to eat to truly nourish my body again. It’s been a journey of highs and lows but I keep at it.

 This brings me to last week when I hit a low. I decided to go for an InBody biometric scan as it had been nearly 1.5 years since my last scan. During this time, I have been strength training 4-5x/week, staying active with some cardio 1-3x/week, eating within reason, managing stress okay and getting good sleep. Honestly, I was hoping that I’d go get the scan and it would confirm what everyone says when the topic turns to weight gain or loss, and how we feel about our physical appearance: “Dianne, if you gain weight, it’s all muscle because you work out.” 

 I stood on the platform as the machine gathered the data, and 90 seconds later, I had my results. My body fat percentage had increased and my lean muscle mass had decreased. What?!? The person who owns the facility and does the scans is a body builder and in that moment, she was abrupt and unsympathetic in her assessment as she says, “You are eating too much and need to be below your resting metabolic rate.” She didn’t care that my goal isn’t about being a certain physique, but that I want only to be healthy, strong and able to live life fully. She didn’t understand that I am active, I eat mostly nutritious foods, get good sleep and manage my stress (most days!)…and somehow my body feels like it is betraying me. I was struggling to hold back my emotions and tears as she is talking about her recent competition in which she was at 9% body fat whilst here I was at 34.9%. I felt like I was a hideous failure. 

 I had walked into this facility today to do a test, get data to see where I’m at and if I need to make any changes in my approach to my health. I walked out the door feeling blindsided and at a loss of what to do next. I work hard to stay as healthy as I can without falling into some bad habits and disordered eating, but this all made me feel like “what’s the point?” I felt like a teenager again, surrounded by girls in the locker room who were all a size 0-8, and I was the size 12 and basing my entire worth on that. 

Then my coach, Sam Owen @welshstrengthcoach posted an excerpt from the book he’s working on. “Bodybuilding is not a sport — it's a problem. It's warped the public's expectations of what a human body "should" look like, and wrecked countless  relationships with food. The result? Eating disorders, obsessive dieting, and an industry obsessed with shredded abs over functional strength. These warped ideals have trickled into general fitness marketing - convincing the average 43-year-old mum (or this 55 year old Nana) that her body is a lifelong project of flaws to be fixed, instead of something that can be strong.”  

Okay Dianne, time to regroup and gain perspective. “As women enter into perimenopause and menopause, we experience musculoskeletal changes that can include bone loss, muscle loss, muscle weakness, frailty and fractures, and metabolic dysfunction.” Wright, V., Schwartzman, J.D. (2024, July 30) I know my body is going through some changes right now and honestly, it’s been really challenging. If InBody scan results have any accuracy, imagine what the numbers could have been had I not been proactive in strengthening my body and taking care of it like the treasure it is?

 I also know that, just like a simple weight measurement on the scales doesn’t define who I am, these measurements don’t tell the whole story either. It may say I lost skeletal muscle and gained fat over the past 18 months, but it doesn’t say that I also added to my 1RMs on all my lifts (18.1 kg to my squat, almost 6 kg to my bench press, and 9 kg to my DL) in that same time. It doesn’t show that I can do my 1RMs from 2023 December for multiple reps and sets now. It doesn’t tell you that I’ve backpacked around 400 miles and hiked many more. It doesn’t tell about the many races I’ve done from 5k to 65k. Coach Sam often says “The barbell doesn’t lie.”, and I’m going to own that and add to that: Who I am and who I am becoming is also not a lie. I may not be a size 10, but I’m living a life that gets 10s across the scoreboard. And 10 pushups? I can do those now too! 

 My health story isn’t over and I am choosing to set aside the defeat that I felt and pick up the victory badge and wear it with honor. I will keep at it, living this life, eating good food, enjoying the occasional treat that comes my way without guilt. I want to be healthy but I don’t want the numbers to write my story. I am writing this today as my way of having something to turn back too when I hit a roadblock or I find myself getting obsessive about food, my weight, or my appearance again because I am so much more than all of that. ONWARD.

Love, Dianne

Anything but Ordinary

 “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” -Jim Rohn

This quote got me thinking. Really, what is “unusual”? Does it have to mean something crazy or bizarre? Or could it simply mean doing what is not “my usual”. It would be like going to a coffee shop and instead of ordering “my usual” (a large cafe latte, hot, no syrups, but yes please to whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon), I order an iced caramel mocha. 

But is doing the ordinary wrong? Is ordering my “usual” coffee “settling for the ordinary”? Why do we look at  “settling” as though it is something that is less than desirable?  

When I first started running, it was an unexpected thing for me to do. I certainly didn’t expect it of myself (ever!) and suddenly there I was, learning how to run, signing up for races, and spending time throughout my week getting in training runs.  It became my usual, but it’s never gotten old. I still get nervous before every race. I was willing to risk the unusual which has became my usual, but is anything but ordinary. 

 

I had never truly hiked until 2020 and spending hours walking through the woods, and planning backpacking trips had never been high on my list of things to do. Now, it’s my usual and some of my favorite trails are ones I’ve been on many times (the usual); instead of the unknown that they once were, they are now old friends. I was willing to risk the unusual which has became my usual, but is anything but ordinary. 

Wanting to learn to lift weights was for sure not on my bucket list, and it all felt unusual when I started. Now, 19 months later I can honestly say that it has become my usual. Deadlifts, bench press, and squats are part of my life, week after week and I am never bored. I just hit Training no. 300 this week!! I was willing to risk the unusual which has became my usual, but is anything but ordinary. 

Each day is filled with the things that happen day after day: sunrise, sunset, seeing friends, going to work, cooking meals, going to the gym. What if we let the ordinary exceed our expectations? Maybe the real gift is being able to look at the ordinary with eyes of wonder, excitement and joy. 

I used to say “never” to a lot of things.  Now i say “maybe” and sometimes that becomes a “yes” and suddenly what was the unusual becomes my usual, but is anything but ordinary. 

Here’s my challenge to you: Begin to view your “usual” through eyes of gratitude.  Trust me when I tell you that it will make your usual anything but ordinary.

Love, Dianne

Onward. 

Only 12.5 Years Later…

When I look back 12.5 years to what I wrote, I read about my goals of which I stated, “I have many.”  The fact that I have many goals has not changed over the years, although some of those goals have changed. I know I have changed and rather than fearing that, I’ve strapped in and decided that since I’m here for the duration, I’m going to do my best to enjoy the ride! 

What were some of those goals from 2011 and how did I do at meeting them? 

-Finish our family scrapbook for our vacation to Rhode Island. I can’t say with 100% confidence that that is completed, but maybe it’s something to check in on, so I can check it off my list. 

-Losing “those last 15 pounds”. To answer this one, it’s going to be a blog post all of its own. Let me just say that my thoughts and feelings, my attitude around weight loss and my relationship with food has changed dramatically, the last 2-3 years especially.  

-Cleaning out the attic. Well, I still have an attic and there are still a lot of items up there; maybe more than ever as my children grew up and moved out, leaving childhood treasures behind. There is always a good excuse, like it’s too hot up there or too cold, but maybe it is time to stop making excuses and tackle that space. One thing I have learned, especially in the last two years was that if you want results, you have to do the work.

-In 2011, I mentioned “lifelong goals that required determination, stamina and fearlessness, like learning to ride a horse,  learning to ballroom dance, and not only writing, but publishing a book.” It is interesting to me that I have those things listed as “lifelong goals”, and I think what I meant by that was that these were things that I had wanted to do for a large part of my lifetime, not that they would take me a lifetime to do. 

So, how did I do? I did learn to ride a horse better, thanks to my son Ryan. There may have been a few times that I went faster than a walk, and while it was exhilarating, it was also a little terrifying, but I think there’s hope for me to keep growing. 

Since writing that in 2011, a gift from my husband was ballroom dance classes and I blogged about that. While we don’t take the opportunity to showcase our ballroom skills (you’re welcome!😉😄) we did dance at a wedding or two, and if I get the opportunity to sign us up for some swing dance classes, I think I will. That seemed to be what suited us the best. 

-I have not written a book, but I have resumed this blog, and for right now, that’s good. Writing has always helped me to hone my skills of observation, my love of detail, my ability to look for the good, the joyful, the challenging, the life that is all around, and yes, that includes the difficult. It has always helped me keep a healthier perspective. 

17 August, 2024. Do I have goals today? Short-term? Longer-term? I do. Here’s a few, not in any particular order. Writing them down is helpful and somehow helps me to stay accountable and gets them accomplished. 

-Simplify our belongings (note to self: start with the attic)

-Solo backpacking trip on Laurel Highlands Hiking Trail (this one from my first thru-hike with friends in 2021) 

-Learn to bake really good bread. 

-Compete in a Powerlifting competition.

-Run another marathon (from my first marathon 10/2023)

-Spend more weekends traveling to see my children and grandchildren. 

-Speaking of grandkids: be a Nana that is fun, fierce, snugglya, compassionate, kind, and authentic.

Goals. Dreams. Bucket Lists. Life is short. Live it large. 

Love, Dianne

Onward. 

One Pint At aTime

 

As a kid, I remember watching my dad place a little red teardrop shaped pin at the top of a curtain that hung at the bottom of my grandparents staircase. I’m not sure how old I was, but I know that I had a feeling that this pin was special, that it meant something. It wasn’t until years later, that I learned that those little pins represented the blood my dad had donated to the Red Cross. I thought he was quite the superhero dad! When I asked dad how much blood he had donated over the years, he wasn’t totally sure, but his humble answer was, “a couple of gallons”.  I have a cool dad. 

 Inspired by this, when I was in high school, we had the opportunity to participate in a blood drive, and I gave it a try. Feeling incredibly nervous and worried that I would pass out or throw up, I entered the gymnasium where the tables were lined up and the volunteers were ready to take our blood. Aside from all the bad vampire jokes, I honestly don’t remember it being that bad, and I actually did quite well with it, but out of an unfounded anxiety over needles and fainting, I did not donate again until October 2020. The world was in the midst of Covid and it just felt like something positive I could do. Time to overcome those fears! 

Since then, I’ve tried to donate a total of 14 times with only 8 times being able to do so as the finger stick hemoglobin needs to be 12.5 g/dL or above and I didn’t always hit the mark. It can get discouraging when you’re doing all you can (even taking Flintstone Vitamins with Iron 😖) to do something good and time after time, it doesn’t work out. 

 Four years. It’s been nearly four years and between the low hemoglobin, getting a tattoo, and then donation centers changing their times and I couldn’t line it up with my schedule, I finally hit my first gallon of A+ donated!! 

I could have given up when 3x in a row I was too low and couldn’t donate. I could’ve decided to stop altogether when it became difficult to find the time in my schedule to go.  Getting a tattoo was a valid reason not to go for the specified time period, but I could have somehow allowed that become an ongoing excuse as it had disrupted my routine. 

I can’t…I don’t have time…it’s not convenient. Reminds me a little of everyday life and how easy it is to make excuses when the going gets difficult. 

If I’d given up, I’d never have reached a gallon. What is you’re “gallon” that you’re working towards? Don’t give up now. Make a plan and take the steps to get to the next step. After donating last evening, I scheduled my next two appointments and penciled all the tentative dates for next year in my planner. That gallon didn’t just happen; it was one pint at a time. 

Alas, the Red Cross no longer give out pins but they do sometimes send you an Amazon gift card. I saw a vender has some vintage pins for sale on eBay… think they’d take an Amazon gift card in exchange? 

Onward, Dianne

Reuniting with a Friend

 

4 August, 2024

Where does one begin when you are suddenly face-to-face with a long-lost friend? Do you just pretend like nothing ever happened and you just pick up where you left off the last time you were together? Does it get all awkward when you don’t know where to begin and so you just randomly start to talk? Do you ignore the obvious changes in the other person or do you ask about it? (Those grays coming in and a few added wrinkles…I’m a grandma-aka Nana-now!!) Whatever the case, returning back to vintageDandelion felt like running into that old friend who I hadn’t really forgotten, but maybe I had avoided for a time and now being face-to-face, it was a little awkward and time to figure out why it’s taken so long to reconnect. 

During the early years (2011-2013), writing had become therapeutic for me. It was a way that I found to talk about life and to see things in a healthier perspective; I would look for what I could learn, or how to make it positive. My brain tried to make me believe that life was at its worst, that I was the worst mom, wife, nurse, etc. Really, it wasn’t at all rational; rather, it was anxiety giving me one punch after the other. If you’ve lived with anxiety, you know what I mean. Somehow when I would write, I could make sense of things, and I realized that I was surrounded by so much that was beautiful and good. I could be honest, I could be real.  I wrote because I wanted people to know that who they saw in person was the person that I truly was when I was alone, who I was on the inside. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but this blog helped me to be authentic to the person I was created to be.

Reading back to that day in December 2011, I wasn’t really sure how writing a blog would go. I wasn’t sure if I had anything worthwhile to say, but I knew I had to try. Honestly, I’d look at the stats and sometimes I’d base my value on that. Likes, shares, etc…it’s an easy trap to fall into, eh? When I allowed my blog to dwindle down slowly to nothing, it had little to do with feeling like I had anything to say, and a lot to do with thinking all those irrational things that my brain would tell me: that what I wrote was boring, that nobody really cared, and really, what was the point? 

Even getting through so many struggles and having learned so much, all that just goes to show that I am still learning, growing, and becoming. I’m a work in progress, layered and nuanced. I’m still that woman from 2011, but I’m also not the same. Whether you’re an old friend, or a new one, if you’re here, I’m glad you’re along for the ride! And even if I’m the only one who reads what I wrote in 1, 5, 10, or even 50 years from now, I’m okay with that. Rereading bits of my story is what inspired me to write again; I want to remember and reflect. If I don’t write it down, that old friend may be entirely forgotten. I don’t have a specific destination in mind, but if you’re up for a little adventure, you’re welcome here anytime. We have SOOO much catching up to do! 

Love, Dianne

It’s got me thinking…

From 2011…

…to 2024

 1 August 2024

I read recently that the trend of today is not to read the written word, but to watch videos, small clips, reels, stories…all the things that have made social media what it is today.  What is ironic is that I “read “that opinion. It got me thinking .

On that same day, I was asked a question about what I would be doing for an occupation if I wasn’t doing what I was currently? My initial thought, without much reflection, is that I would be an author. It got me thinking.

I mentioned to the person who asked me the occupation question that I had once written a blog, and I shared the link. It has been quite awhile since I have visited this site and I clicked on Dec 2, 2011 to see what my 41-year-old self had to say. And then I kept reading, seated in the very same spot where I had been that cold December day to write my first blog post. I looked different, my kitchen was different, and my household dynamic has changed from two parents and five children ranging an age from 8 to 20 all living under one roof, to an empty nest that is anything but empty.

Will anybody read my written words from 2011, or from 2024? Will it even matter someday? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll never know, but I know that I enjoyed looking over and rereading from that time in my life, what I was living, thinking, feeling.  I am glad that I have a written word to remind me of where I’ve been, who I was, and how that has helped me to be who I am today. I am a little sad that I haven’t written anything since 2020 in this format. Maybe vintage dandelion is still a place to inspire me to inspire you. It’s got me thinking; I hope it gets you thinking too. 

Love, Dianne