vintageDandelion: August 2025

I have spent a lifetime looking at my image, sometimes in a mirror, maybe seeing my likeness in a photo or perhaps reflected in someone’s eyes. Often though, how I saw myself was more like looking at my reflection in the side of a car or in a fun house mirror: distorted and warped. Over time, in my mind, that distortion became my reality, that this odd shaped body didn’t fit the mold of “perfection” that I’d been somehow led to believe was the ideal. Slim legs, thigh gap, the just-right hip size and narrow waist with a rounded bottom, a body smooth without the lumps and bumps of cellulite, perky breasts and no back fat (aka back boobs). 36-26-36 were body measurements that I thought I needed to achieve and I did countless bodyweight exercises, and sometimes extreme diets or exercise regimens to try to achieve this goal, never content with who I was.

Even before social media was a thing (I was a teenager in the 1980’s), there were advertisements and tv shows that still made their impact alongside the peer pressure of middle and high school of what one should look like. With the advent of social media, this idea of what a woman should look like, what she should weigh, what she should do to be acceptable, to be thought of as beautiful, to be accepted as worthy has snowballed into an avalanche of discontent with who we are. Alongside that, throw in a decade of having 5 babies, going to school, then working another decade of night shifts and suddenly I was 40-something years old and my body no longer fit any idea of what I had thought was beautiful. Somewhere in all this I started running and I dropped 20 lbs to the lowest I’d been in years. Maybe I had this weight thing figured out.

But wait for it.

Perimenopause. Oh, it’s real. Apparently it is “Game On!” and I feel like I’m on the losing side. Or should I say the gaining side as my weight over the past three years has crept up to the highest it has ever been (outside of pregnancy)?

But wait, there’s more to this story than a number on the scales, a BMI percentile, or an InBody machine scan that tells me I am fat but does not know me.

Let me tell you who I am, who I am becoming. In January 2023 I chanced a coaching call with Sam Owen at Pursue Performance after an Instagram follow and I thought maybe, just maybe, this program would help me lose the next 10 lbs and get toned (honestly, what does that even mean?!?). I signed on for 90 days, but this guy wasn’t promising me a “6 week shred”, or a “12 week transformation”, he just promised to support me in getting stronger. He would help lay a foundation. I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain…3 months, why not?

In those 3 months, I quickly learned that I had to eat more to be strong and to nourish my body. Oooh, that was hard for me. I went from 800-1000 kcal/day to 1800-2000 kcal/day and I yes, I gained about 8 lbs right away but I also felt better and had more energy. I was enjoying training so I kept at it. Thirty-one months later and I have gained far more than pounds on my body. Let me explain.

In recent years, I’ve seen a trend where people are encouraged to celebrate any and all body types, and it almost became a thing where health was put on the back burner for the sake of saying that we love ourselves no matter the size or shape we are in . That’s not OK any more than making someone feel like a certain weight or body fat percentage is “perfect”. Being healthy is more than a number on the scales and that is true no matter the number, high or low. I wanted to celebrate my body, but I was struggling with that warped image of how I saw myself and still felt like I was beastly rather than beautiful. I needed to switch my focus from my physical appearance to doing what I could to be healthy in this body I’d been given.

I began to eat nutrient-dense food 80-90% of the time (and yes, I measure and weigh it within healthy boundaries because I enjoy it, not because I have to), I am active with both strength training and cardio, I get 8 hours of sleep and I have learned how to manage my stress relatively well most days (trust me, I have my moments too!). In spite of doing all the right things, I am 175 lbs and the BMI calculator tells me I am overweight. Here is what it doesn’t see: I am the strongest I’ve ever been. I lead an active lifestyle doing things I never thought I could do, and I am (most days) loving this life journey I am on. Let me tell you, the fitness industry is doing no favors if they make you feel like a failure even when you’re doing all the right things.

That brings me to this point: before and after photos. What purpose do they serve? Do they make me feel like I was less than in the “before” photo? I’m gonna venture out on a limb here and say that yes, there’s something about them that make you feel like you were less than worthy. I’ve taken the photos, and I’ve done the comparisons to see if I look better or worse. This year, at Presque Isle, I took pictures knowing I weighed more than I did the previous year. I still wanted to take the pictures because while my weight has fluctuated, I was hoping what would be reflected back at me would be the strength, confidence, and self-worth I have gained. This is the real me, no filters, no more warped mental images, just me being me. Created by God, designed in love, perfected as I strive to be more like my Creator.